Questions for Discussion OUR DRINK: Detoxing the Perfect Family PREVENTION/EDUCATION At what age should parents begin discussing alcohol choices/facts with kids? How can parents make alcohol facts real to kids? Is this possible? What fact about alcohol do you think most important to bring up in your family? What ideas do you have for the earliest education about alcohol? How can the glamour of alcohol and drinking be diluted? What ideas do you have for prevention of immediate and long-term alcohol risks when kids go back to college? (Peak drinking is predictable. The heaviest drinking on college campuses occurs among freshman males at the beginning of each academic year (Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation, March 2004). There is such an emphasis on contracts/etc. in which youth and parents agree to eliminate drunken driving. With the contracts are we saying “it’s okay to drink, just not to drive.” What kind of message are we sending? Try abstaining from alcohol for a month. Make observations from personal experience regarding peer pressure, belonging to a group, inappropriate behavior due to alcohol, etc. How can this exercise help you to educate your child about alcohol/substance use and choices? What has the reaction been within your home community to the publication of OUR DRINK? ADDICTION: How is having an addiction to alcohol different from other disease? How are a family’s reactions to this disease different than reactions to other diseases? (P. 62) There is an ongoing debate about the genetic component of alcoholism. How much do you think is genetic vs. learned behavior? MYTHS/MEDIA/SOCIETAL ISSUES: What is the “Perfect Family”? Define for yourself. Is this realistic? How is this term a myth? What is on your list of worries, regarding your children? (see page 14 and create your own list). What are things that you have control over? What things are you have to let go of? Why do we drink? Why has human culture always devised a way to alter reality or numb feelings? What role do mind/feeling altering substances or activities play in our society? Are they necessary? What are some healthier ways to elevate our moods? The stereotypical view of an intoxicated woman has been worse than that of an intoxicated man. Drunk males are often built into comedy routines (i.e. W.C. Fields). What do you believe is the current view of a drunk woman by your contemporaries? The liquor industry maintains that there is no proven relationship between alcohol advertising and alcohol consumption. Many researchers claim there is a connection. What do you think? Should alcohol taxes be raised to cover health and societal costs resulting from alcohol abuse similar to the way tobacco companies are now paying states for health expenditures? Will reducing accessibility and education be enough to prevent alcoholism or are even greater fundamental changes in our society needed? What, if any, is the connection between adult family members drinking alcohol in front of underage kids and kids/society thinking that drinking alcohol is "ok"? or What is the mixed message we’re giving kids when we adults drink alcohol in front of them? What are the differences between "social drinking" and addictive drinking? Are there any, or is it just degrees? "People seem to be more upset about kids' smoking than their drinking. Drinking is seen as a rite of passage. Many don't see the link between drinking or trauma and injury or other negative consequences." Do you agree with this statement? Why or why not? "Of each state dollar spent, 96 cents goes to shovel up the wreckage of substance abuse (and only) 4 cents goes to prevention and treatment." (Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, 2001.) What does this say about our priorities? The federal government spends 25 times more on illegal drug abuse prevention than on underage drinking prevention, despite the fact that alcohol kills six times more youths than all other drugs combined (Gogek, NY Times, Aug 25, 2004). How can parents in the trenches make a difference in our government’s emphasis? What role, if any, does the need to belong to a group play in alcohol/substance use and abuse? RESOURCES/HELP Where can a family or parent go for help the first time a child/teen comes home drunk? What can parents do to encourage college institutions to develop and enforce an alcohol policy? How does a parent know when an alcohol flirtation has become an alcohol problem? What responsibilities do the beer companies with their vast media campaigns have for curbing the alcohol’s attraction to young people? (P. 103) What is the role of colleges in stemming this flood of binge drinking? Are they right to take a hands off stand? What responsibilities do colleges have to the parents? Where do privacy rights interact with public health initiatives? TREATMENT: Chris and Toren talk about the effectiveness of various attempts to control drinking (such as DARE, the binge chart, grounding and other consequences). What works? What services in your community are needed to help parents deal with children who drink? What are meaningful and realistic consequences for alcohol use during adolescence? Are "Behavior Contracts" effective? How or how not? When should they be used? If an adult child is abusing substances, what can you do? If they are in denial, and/or not seeking help or treatment, what is your role as a parent? Some therapists agree that to successfully help alcoholics, they need to work with the whole family. Most HMOs and PPOs do not cover family treatment. What are possible solutions to this problem? Are you surprised at the lack of resources available for Chris? If the Surgeon General is to achieve the goal of 50% reduction, what is needed nationwide? How can we get it going? Do you think Toren will be successful in handling his alcoholism in the future? FAMILY DYNAMICS/ISSUES: (P. 15) Early in the book Chris calls herself a failure as a parent because of Toren's drinking. How much do we individually and as a society blame parents for the failures of their children? How do your kids and their friends spend time when together? Do you talk with your kids when they return home from a social event? Do you know how your kids are spending their money? What social avenues promote the glamour of drinking? Do you watch the same movies as your kids? How do your kids react to the movies they see? The majority of adults who drink in this country do so in moderation. How can parents model good behavior with alcohol? Is this possible with teenagers in the house? ASSESSMENT: (P. 127) Toren talks about early opportunities to intervene in his drinking and how he wasn't ready to face his addiction. How do friends and family cope with an alcoholic who isn't ready for rehab? What are ways to intervene before an alcoholic has admitted his/her addiction? If one chooses intervention, is intervention by the family effective or is professional expertise required? For discussion suggestions, a special thank you to Cathy Williams, Kammy Minor, Peggy Ludwick, & Susan Fiksdal A Conversation with Toren and Chris What type of research did you do for Our Drink? Chris: To begin with, I wanted to find a book that described the family experience--the whole picture of addiction and alcoholism where not only the teen is considered, but all the people who live with him. I looked in bookstores, but there wasn't anything I could find that seemed real. Then I looked on the Web where I located many helpful articles and links. Still, they didn't carry over to our living room. At that point I realized the need for an up-front book discussing binge drinking and its effects on the family. Toren: I didn't do any except while I was in college and in S. America (in my own lab) doing my own research. How did you decide to write Our Drink? Who came up with the idea? Chris: When I first saw Toren's journal writing, its abrupt power and brutal honesty, I knew our family needed to face the true world of alcohol. It forced me to rethink our history. Out of desperation, I began writing in my journal. When the paper began to stack up, I asked Toren what he thought about creating a book. I wasn't sure if it would be a good thing for us, stirring up all that turmoil. Toren: My mom was visiting me at rehab and we were in line at the cafeteria when she first brought up the idea. I was doubtful and couldn't imagine what it would all be about. But I said, "Okay, let's think about it after I get out of here." How did you actually go about writing the book? Chris: Toren and I each wrote our portions independently. We merged the material by e-mailing documents between Florida and Washington State. During Toren's halfway experience, we met twice to go over some of the drafts. Toren: I continued in the same style as my journal entry (which became Chapter Four.) The remainder of the book I wrote from the public library while in the halfway program. What kinds of decisions did you have to make personally in order to write the book? Chris: I had to face reality. I had to step up and say it like it was. I had to be honest with every family member about my own feelings and reactions. In order to do this, I began to ask difficult questions about myself and my culture. I decided to scrape away the veneer of shiny parenthood. Toren: I basically had to decide that I wasn't going change the content in order to cater to any certain person and that I would try to really portray how alcohol affected me. Why would you write a book that exposes you and Toren to public scrutiny? Chris: Being criticized will be difficult. But through the years I have learned that each time I think I'm doing a better job of parenting than someone else, it's not true. The myth of the perfect little family behind the white picket fence isn't my yard. It's much easier to be who I really am than try to fool everyone. I am the mother of Toren. Toren: I had to expose myself in order to leave S. America, go into rehab, go to the halfway house....so this is really just one more level of honesty. I am less concerned about what the public thinks than about what my friends or family think. How did you react to one another's first writings? Chris: Toren's journal entry to us was most shocking to read. I couldn't believe what I saw printed before me. It was a world I never thought one of my children would inhabit. His words caused me to re-evaluate everything I had done as a parent and the writing ultimately turned into a description of our family and our values, one that I could hardly admit. Toren: I was extremely interested in what my mom had to say. Some of it made me feel like shit and some of it gave me a better understanding of my impact on the family. What were your goals in writing Our Drink? Chris: Our mission is to talk honestly to kids and families about alcohol choices and the consequences of heavy drinking. Toren: We made a list of reasons early in our work, because we wanted to have a clear idea of why we were writing. Here it is: To fill in the gap between what's really happening with young drinkers today and what society perceives about young drinkers To help someone possibly recognize early symptoms of alcohol addiction/abuse To help parents and kids talk more openly about alcohol use To inform others about alcohol addiction and the disease of alcoholism To support parents and enable them to realistically examine alcohol use in their family To support kids in their drinking choices To dissolve the glamour of chronic heavy drinking To heal our family